So, this
probably isn’t the best time to be writing a post, but I’m going to go ahead, be
real, and do it anyway. Most of the time I try to write cheerfully and with as
much positivity as possible. But when I think about it, I guess it’s important
for everyone to know, it’s not all rainbows and lollipops around here. My goal
with this blog is to let people know what we go through as medical students,
let people know what to look forward to, and to give me something to reflect
upon in the future. So capturing the tough moments is as important as the happy
ones. Prepare for some verbal diarrhea:
In this
moment, today feels like one of the most difficult and disappointing days of my
life. It was the first day of block one exams in MD2. They were tough. MD2 has
been vigorous so far. Especially physiology. For the past several weeks, school
has consumed my life (not that it hasn’t since I started in September). The
material has been difficult, and the pace has been insane. From the moment I
have opened my eyes in the morning, the focus has been class material. When I
go to bed at night, I fall asleep either listening to lectures, watching
youtube videos about whatever concepts we are learning about in class, or
watching extra video lectures (usually at 1.5X speed so that I can get them in
faster, even though it makes the lecturer sound like a chipmunk). I have barely
spoken with my friends and family from home, other than the odd text message
here and there or a 5 minute Skype call on the odd occasion. This disconnection
has been hard for me because I need these close relationships to keep me going
and to remind me why what I am doing is so important. When I was home at
Christmas, there was so much going on with everyone. I sit back and realize, I
don’t even know where everything stands, and that really bothers me. I have
faith that everything is being taken care of and that everyone is doing OK, but
I still feel the disconnection and that really hurts. I feel selfish because
everything I have is being put into what I am doing here.
When you
are in this kind of program, you miss out on so much in life. You talk to best
friends and find out they are going away with their boyfriend for a week (“oh,
you have a boyfriend?!”). Your sister is getting ready to get married and you
have no part in it. Close friends and family members are facing huge health
obstacles and you can not be around to help, physically, emotionally, or
otherwise. Your cousin’s children are growing up before your eyes, and you only
see this through Facebook photos. You go weeks without talking to the people
who are closest to you sometimes. I am the type of person who has always been
the first one there in a time of crisis. To provide an ear, support, and
guidance. I can’t do this now, and it is so hard.
Anyways,
back to school, and back to this day. Despite having had to disconnect from
everything that is important to me and despite countless hours of studying,
exams today did not go well. The physiology exam was very first thing this
morning. I left the exam feeling horrible. Immediately after the exam was
finished, a bunch of us headed to the library to cram for the neuroscience exam
which was happening a couple of hours later. About an hour after the exam was
finished, someone noticed that the marks were already posted. I logged in
(which was a mistake) and found out that I failed the exam. I failed by only a
couple of points, but I have never failed an exam in my life, and my heart
started pounding…I felt like I was going to be sick. The library was filled
with my classmates. Everyone was checking marks, everyone who checked, failed.
You could feel the disappointment in the room. I have never put so much work
into something to receive such poor results. I immediately regretted even
looking as I tried to maintain focus on neuroscience, knowing I hadn’t studied
enough for that course because of all of the time I had spent on this exam that
I hadn’t passed anyhow. This had to be the most discouraging this I had ever
felt. There is a difference between knowing that you didn’t put enough time or
effort into something and doing poorly, but to put everything that you have
into something, and still not do well STINKS. I didn’t care that everyone else
seemed to do poorly as well. I wouldn’t care if the class average was 10%. My
standards are higher than that. I feel at a loss. Aside from NEVER sleeping, I
don’t know what else I can do differently. I can only hope that in this process
I learned how to better study for the course. I know that there’s no way I will
let this defeat me and I will do whatever it takes to win. I guess that means stepping
it up one notch higher. To top that off, I didn’t feel like the neuroscience
exam went as well as I would have wanted because I had put so much energy into
the physiology exam. What a vicious cycle.
Another
tough part about it all is, you get home after it all…feeling so terrible, and
now you have to buckle down and get right back into the books because you get
to do it all over again on Monday when you write the other half of your exams.
You know you have to…because there is so much material to go through and you
have to do well in your other courses, but you really just want to curl up in
bed and sleep the afternoon away. Or go to the beach. Or spend the night on the
phone with your family. But, back to the books I go….
I
apologize again for the negative post, but I am sure any other student out
there can relate to the fact that this is the way we feel sometimes. I wanted
to write this post right as I was feeling the way I am in this moment. This
journey is one of many ups and downs. The stress and the fight is real, and
you’ve gotta fight till the end. I will say though, that not one part of me
regrets my decision, and not one part of me wants to give up.
