So I know it has been incredibly long since my last post and I am kind of disappointed about that. My goal was to write about this journey much more often than I have been, but time has really been flying. I can't believe I have been gone for over a year already. I really wanted to document this experience every step of the way, but it has been really tough with time constraints. I feel like I've barely had enough time to keep my head above water. On top of that, with all of the stress I have often felt myself feeling like I could write a post but I didn't want them to all consist of the negative feelings and stress that I have felt along the way. Overall, I have really enjoyed this experience although in the moment I often feel completely miserable and overwhelmed and I didn't want those to be the only feelings reflected in my posts.
It is so hard to believe, but I'll finally be starting my MD4 semester next week. I am on my MD3 break right now, sitting on the porch at my dad's new place. I have the 90s station playing on the Sirius radio station, and it is bringing back so many memories. It is hard to believe how fast time flies. I think back to when I started out as a fresh MD1 and how it felt like this point would never come. I would look up to those who were in the shoes that I am now walking around in, and it felt like I would never be here. Regardless, here I am. I am now speaking with many students who will be starting out brand new next week, and this is the third time that I have been answering the same questions and addressing the same anxieties. Now comes another group of students, overly optimistic about how wonderful everything on the island will be, and with that intense desire to learn and get this ball rolling. In four short months I will be receiving my white coat and getting ready to move on to the next chapter in this crazy adventure...moving to Chicago, getting ready to take the USMLE step 1 exam, and getting into hospital rotations. When you look at this path in the long run, it is such a long one with so many obstacles and so many hurdles. I've learned to focus on one thing at a time. The next test, the next set of block exams. That's the only way to go about it without walking around feeling completely hopeless and overwhelmed.
The MD3 semester was by far the most challenging and trying so far. In one semester, we had to tackle Pathology, Pharmacology, Microbiology, Psychology, Research, and CCBS. Each and every week was filled with quizzes, assignments, and of course, block exams at the end of every month. Expectations from our professors rose significantly. There wasn't the same sense of security as there was in previous semesters. There was a constant feeling of "if I mess up even once, I can jeopardize everything". I didn't make it to the beach once from the time I was there on my MD2 break until the end of MD3. It was impossible to even let one day go by without ensuring that every effort was made to make the best of it and to make sure I was learning as much as possible each and every day. Feeling homesick became a part of my life every day. It was impossible to not feel disconnected from everyone and everything that was happening at home. For the first couple of semesters I was completely infatuated with the beauty of the island. Finally, it came to the point where I just missed home and everything that was there. Being home right now feels absolutely amazing. While driving around I can't help but take everything in and realize just how beautiful it is here. The green grass, the trees, the lakes....civilization. On the island, it is so routine and everything is always the same. We drive down the same road to school every day, see the same people, and do the same things. It feels like living in a tiny town where it is impossible to leave. I try to connect with people at home but the internet connection is so awful it makes it near impossible to have a simple conversation with family. I have never gone so long without seeing my family and friends. For the last four months I've felt on edge, resentful of anything that kept me from doing what needed to be done. A line up in the grocery store or someone driving painfully slow in front of me made me want to scream.
I was very fortunate to be able to have lots of visitors during MD2 and the MD2 break. My mom, stepdad, aunt and uncle, and grandparents all came to visit me in February. They stayed in St. Martin at a resort but I was able to go and spend time with them twice. Two of my great friends from Barrie came in March so I could spend some time with them. My sister and cousin came for the first part of MD2 break and then my stepmom and stepbrother came for the second half. That all helped a lot and I was thankful everyone got to see what it was all about, though of course they didn't get the whole experience. Sitting here today though, I don't feel anything except blessed to have the opportunities I have. Being home is such a great reminder about how many amazing and supportive people I have in my life. When I am away I feel so alone sometimes so it was really imperative that I was able to come home, refuel, and be reminded of all of the reasons I am putting myself through this incredibly difficult course. I feel like this post is already getting so long and I haven't talked about half of the things that have happened over the past several months, yet another reason why I need to make sure I write about this more often.
I feel like I have grown so much and learned so much over the past year. Both about myself, about the world, and about medicine. I can truly say I feel like I am learning to think like a doctor and that I have discovered exactly who the person I want to be is. Everything I have yet to tackle lies ahead of me and although there are days I feel uncertain, more and more I am feeling like I can do this. I have had days where I second guess the whole decision. I think about the fact that I had a great job, where I was doing what I loved, was able to make a difference for people and learn. I watch my bank account rack up more and more debt. I watch my friends and family members moving forward in life, getting married and having children of their own and I think about the fact that I could be doing those things if I had stayed put. These thoughts never last long though because I can't imagine doing this any other way. I have met so many amazing people and made so many great connections and all of that never would have happened if I had chosen the beaten path.
So, on to the past few months. I have stayed in my role as Historian on the SGA and have continued building the school website and trying to help other students. I also took on the role as Secretary of AMSA (American Medical School Association). It is an international organization for medical students and practicing doctors. At our school, we put on various workshops in order to try to help provide students with learning opportunities that aren't a part of the normal curriculum, help plan health fairs and other things of the like. We initiated a program called "Teach Me Tuesdays" in which students teach the other students about things that they have experience in from their past careers and experiences. I've also continued as a member of Red Cross in Anguilla...all things that keep me headed in the right direction and allow me to do more than just what is required in terms of bookwork required for school. One of the things that really stood out for me this semester was learning how to suture. Our pathology professor took a very small group of us and taught us how to suture on the cadavers. I can't wait to practice more and I can't wait to be able to apply this in clinicals.
Our $500 donation to The Blossom Center
I only have 65 more days left on the island, and truthfully I CAN NOT WAIT! I remember when I first got here, I felt like I would never be ready to leave! I think I've got a little bit of island fever and I can't say that I will miss it here. Anguilla really is the ideal place to do what we are doing. There are no distractions because there is absolutely nothing here. I have been a mover and shaker my entire life. My life currently consists of three places right now: school, my bedroom, and the grocery store about every other day. I miss the variety of the Western World. It gets difficult seeing the same people every single day with no opportunity to change things up. I compare it to living in an extremely tiny town where there is no road out, which is definitely not my style. Those who know me well know that I don't sit still for long. At home, I had my bar tending friends, my school friends, my nursing friends, my family, acquaintances, the list goes on and on and on. Here, I have a very small pool of people who I sit in a tiny room with for 8 hours a day, and if I feel like doing something after school - yep, those are my options for people to hang with. Don't get me wrong, they are a great bunch, but school is what we have in common.
I start the next step of the process in February. This consists of a 4 month semester is Chicago - 2 month board review and 2 month of "mini clinicals" - a rapid sweep through the major clinical rotations, surgery, ob-gyn, family practice, internal medicine in the like. The idea is to orientate us to clinicals. After that we are finished until we take and pass the board exams and then we continue with our clinicals. Chicago will certainly be the exact opposite of life here on the island so it will definitely be interesting! I should probably end this now and get back to the books! Thank you all for reading and I will definitely post again after the White Coat Ceremony which is on December 12th!
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