MD4....What?!

I wrote this post just over a month ago while I was at home and it never got posted, so I thought I would post it now...I meant to revise it and never got around to it but I thought it was important that I did get it up! I apologize for the late post!

So I know it has been incredibly long since my last post and I am kind of disappointed about that. My goal was to write about this journey much more often than I have been, but time has really been flying. I can't believe I have been gone for over a year already. I really wanted to document this experience every step of the way, but it has been really tough with time constraints. I feel like I've barely had enough time to keep my head above water. On top of that, with all of the stress I have often felt myself feeling like I could write a post but I didn't want them to all consist of the negative feelings and stress that I have felt along the way. Overall, I have really enjoyed this experience although in the moment I often feel completely miserable and overwhelmed and I didn't want those to be the only feelings reflected in my posts.

It is so hard to believe, but I'll finally be starting my MD4 semester next week. I am on my MD3 break right now, sitting on the porch at my dad's new place. I have the 90s station playing on the Sirius radio station, and it is bringing back so many memories. It is hard to believe how fast time flies. I think back to when I started out as a fresh MD1 and how it felt like this point would never come. I would look up to those who were in the shoes that I am now walking around in, and it felt like I would never be here. Regardless, here I am. I am now speaking with many students who will be starting out brand new next week, and this is the third time that I have been answering the same questions and addressing the same anxieties. Now comes another group of students, overly optimistic about how wonderful everything on the island will be, and with that intense desire to learn and get this ball rolling. In four short months I will be receiving my white coat and getting ready to move on to the next chapter in this crazy adventure...moving to Chicago, getting ready to take the USMLE step 1 exam, and getting into hospital rotations. When you look at this path in the long run, it is such a long one with so many obstacles and so many hurdles. I've learned to focus on one thing at a time. The next test, the next set of block exams. That's the only way to go about it without walking around feeling completely hopeless and overwhelmed.

The MD3 semester was by far the most challenging and trying so far. In one semester, we had to tackle Pathology, Pharmacology, Microbiology, Psychology, Research, and CCBS. Each and every week was filled with quizzes, assignments, and of course, block exams at the end of every month. Expectations from our professors rose significantly. There wasn't the same sense of security as there was in previous semesters. There was a constant feeling of "if I mess up even once, I can jeopardize everything". I didn't make it to the beach once from the time I was there on my MD2 break until the end of MD3. It was impossible to even let one day go by without ensuring that every effort was made to make the best of it and to make sure I was learning as much as possible each and every day. Feeling homesick became a part of my life every day. It was impossible to not feel disconnected from everyone and everything that was happening at home. For the first couple of semesters I was completely infatuated with the beauty of the island. Finally, it came to the point where I just missed home and everything that was there. Being home right now feels absolutely amazing. While driving around I can't help but take everything in and realize just how beautiful it is here. The green grass, the trees, the lakes....civilization. On the island, it is so routine and everything is always the same. We drive down the same road to school every day, see the same people, and do the same things. It feels like living in a tiny town where it is impossible to leave. I try to connect with people at home but the internet connection is so awful it makes it near impossible to have a simple conversation with family.  I have never gone so long without seeing my family and friends. For the last four months I've felt on edge, resentful of anything that kept me from doing what needed to be done. A line up in the grocery store or someone driving painfully slow in front of me made me want to scream.

I was very fortunate to be able to have lots of visitors during MD2 and the MD2 break. My mom, stepdad, aunt and uncle, and grandparents all came to visit me in February. They stayed in St. Martin at a resort but I was able to go and spend time with them twice. Two of my great friends from Barrie came in March so I could spend some time with them. My sister and cousin came for the first part of MD2 break and then my stepmom and stepbrother came for the second half. That all helped a lot and I was thankful everyone got to see what it was all about, though of course they didn't get the whole experience. Sitting here today though, I don't feel anything except blessed to have the opportunities I have. Being home is such a great reminder about how many amazing and supportive people I have in my life. When I am away I feel so alone sometimes so it was really imperative that I was able to come home, refuel, and be reminded of all of the reasons I am putting myself through this incredibly difficult course. I feel like this post is already getting so long and I haven't talked about half of the things that have happened over the past several months, yet another reason why I need to make sure I write about this more often.

I feel like I have grown so much and learned so much over the past year. Both about myself, about the world, and about medicine. I can truly say I feel like I am learning to think like a doctor and that I have discovered exactly who the person I want to be is. Everything I have yet to tackle lies ahead of me and although there are days I feel uncertain, more and more I am feeling like I can do this. I have had days where I second guess the whole decision. I think about the fact that I had a great job, where I was doing what I loved, was able to make a difference for people and learn. I watch my bank account rack up more and more debt. I watch my friends and family members moving forward in life, getting married and having children of their own and I think about the fact that I could be doing those things if I had stayed put. These thoughts never last long though because I can't imagine doing this any other way. I have met so many amazing people and made so many great connections and all of that never would have happened if I had chosen the beaten path.

So, on to the past few months. I have stayed in my role as Historian on the SGA and have continued building the school website and trying to help other students. I also took on the role as Secretary of AMSA (American Medical School Association). It is an international organization for medical students and practicing doctors. At our school, we put on various workshops in order to try to help provide students with learning opportunities that aren't a part of the normal curriculum, help plan health fairs and other things of the like. We initiated a program called "Teach Me Tuesdays" in which students teach the other students about things that they have experience in from their past careers and experiences. I've also continued as a member of Red Cross in Anguilla...all things that keep me headed in the right direction and allow me to do more than just what is required in terms of bookwork required for school. One of the things that really stood out for me this semester was learning how to suture. Our pathology professor took a very small group of us and taught us how to suture on the cadavers. I can't wait to practice more and I can't wait to be able to apply this in clinicals.

Our $500 donation to The Blossom Center

Anyhow, back to present day. I am a little over five weeks into MD4 now. I will admit, this semester is going pretty slowly. The workload is definitely still there, but lighter than last semester was. The anxieties are still there too, but they are different than other semesters. I am starting to think very seriously about board exams and residency. I am still feeling very homesick. I hate being far away from my family and knowing that I still have to be far away from them for quite some time. I have been trying to start some board review. It is so tough. I am realizing how very far away I am from being ready to take this exam. For those who are reading this that aren't going through this process, the USMLE step one exam is the first of 3 board exams, and it tests all of the material that is covered during the basic sciences. The score that you receive on that exam is the main determining factor on if and where you get a residency. I am realizing just how much I didn't learn and didn't retain in some of my classes. My grades have been quite good throughout this whole program, yet I am still very weak in many areas, especially microbiology, biochemistry, neurology, and pharmacology. I know I have some time but it is so much to learn. Time and money are both huge factors and I hear stories of people who take years to prepare before they are ready. It is a balancing act between working on current courses and starting to chip away at preparing for the "big test".

I only have 65 more days left on the island, and truthfully I CAN NOT WAIT! I remember when I first got here, I felt like I would never be ready to leave! I think I've got a little bit of island fever and I can't say that I will miss it here. Anguilla really is the ideal place to do what we are doing. There are no distractions because there is absolutely nothing here. I have been a mover and shaker my entire life. My life currently consists of three places right now: school, my bedroom, and the grocery store about every other day. I miss the variety of the Western World. It gets difficult seeing the same people every single day with no opportunity to change things up. I compare it to living in an extremely tiny town where there is no road out, which is definitely not my style. Those who know me well know that I don't sit still for long. At home, I had my bar tending friends, my school friends, my nursing friends, my family, acquaintances, the list goes on and on and on. Here, I have a very small pool of people who I sit in a tiny room with for 8 hours a day, and if I feel like doing something after school - yep, those are my options for people to hang with. Don't get me wrong, they are a great bunch, but school is what we have in common.

I start the next step of the process in February. This consists of a 4 month semester is Chicago - 2 month board review and 2 month of "mini clinicals" - a rapid sweep through the major clinical rotations, surgery, ob-gyn, family practice, internal medicine in the like. The idea is to orientate us to clinicals. After that we are finished until we take and pass the board exams and then we continue with our clinicals. Chicago will certainly be the exact opposite of life here on the island so it will definitely be interesting! I should probably end this now and get back to the books! Thank you all for reading and I will definitely post again after the White Coat Ceremony which is on December 12th!

Beating Med School Stress

There is no doubt about it - medical school is STRESSFUL. It is always going to be and there is no way around that. We are expected to learn an insane amount of material a relatively very short amount of time! On top of that, while going to school in the Caribbean, we deal with the stresses of being away from everything that is familiar: the comforts of home and our friends and family. Additionally, there are financial stessors and thoughts of what is to come such as finding a residency placement. As one of my favourite motivational speakers, Brian Tracy says "Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance”. I couldn’t agree with him more. It is so important to be aware of your stress level while in school, and learn how to manage this stress. It is no secret that stress is a very powerful motivator to get things done, but letting your stress get out of control can be unhealthy. If you spiral too much, you won’t be productive and you won’t be thinking clearly. 

As the semester is wrapping up, I am watching people start to spin out of control around me. The drama, the stress, and the burnout caused by this program and island life definitely take a toll after four long months of studying all day long - day in and day out. I remember trying to adapt to the medical program, and feeling absolutely helpless when I felt there was just too much to learn and not enough time. I thought I would share with you some of the techniques that I use to manage my stress and maintain a healthy lifestyle which allows me to be successful in the medical program.

1. SLEEP : Make sure you get enough sleep. Trying to function on too little sleep is not healthy, you won’t retain important information during lectures, and you won’t be able to study as effectively. You also need sleep to solidify the information that you’ve been learning. Try to get at least 5-6 solid hours of sleep every night and try to have a routine schedule.
2. STAY CONNECTED TO FRIENDS/FAMILY AT HOME: Your relationships at home are so important! Your friends and family provide support in ways that your friends at school can’t and provide good reminders as to why you are going through all of this in the first place. When you are feeling down, call or text home for a quick pick me up. They may not totally understand what you are going through, but may provide the motivation to keep pushing forward.
3. EAT WELL: Eating healthy and often is important for adequate energy in order to learn effectively.
4. EXERCISE: Regular exercise has so many healthy benefits. As medical students, we sit on our butts all day long. Exercise sends “feel good” hormones to your brain, helps with memory, helps with posture, and just helps relieve tension over all. There are so many ways to do this in the Caribbean. Go for a walk, a swim, a jog, go to the gym, work out in your living room, or do some yoga. Mix it up!
5. VENT TO A FRIEND, BUT STAY AWAY FROM NEGATIVE NELLIES! Medical school comes with lots of frustrations. Surround yourself with positive people that will let you talk about things that are making you upset and frustrated, but will remind you of the positive. Stay away from the people that can’t see the good in anything, because that will only rub off on you.
6. FIND YOURSELF A MENTOR: Having someone a semester or two ahead of you that has been through what you are doing currently that you can talk to can be very helpful. Ask them questions, pick their brain. Other students understand how tough it is and most of them are probably more than willing to help you!
7. MAKE THE MOST OF YOUR DAY, EVERYDAY: Try your best to be regimented. If you can learn to work like a well oiled machine, you will be well on your way. Find what works for you and stick with it. Make the most of your school day. Pay attention in lectures so you don’t have to learn the material later!
8. MAKE TIME FOR YOU AND THE THINGS YOU ENJOY! Your whole life CAN NOT be school! Set aside some time for fun each week, whether it is a Friday night or a Sunday afternoon or whatever you choose, to do something fun with your friends or on your own. Whatever you really enjoy doing - do it. Make it a priority to do something you really enjoy so you don’t feel like a prisoner to school and reward yourself for all of your hard work!

Those are some tips that I have, and hopefully they are helpful :) Happy Studying everyone and best of luck on Block 4 exams!!

XOXOX

MD2 is halfway finished already. It is so hard to believe because it has gone so fast already. I would definitely say that the work load and the stress level have been higher this semester. I think I have finally gotten the swing of how I need to study for the classes that I am taking and what I need to do to be successful in them, but it’s been a tough go thus far. I am not sure if I mentioned in my last post, but my classes this semester are Biochemistry, Physiology, Neuroscience, Genetics, Research in Medicine, and Clinical Correlates in Basic Sciences. To be honest, I am enjoying my classes this semester a lot more than last. The material is a lot more conceptual rather than straight memorization and the information is a lot more practical. But, because it isn’t just memorizing, there is no jamming it all into your head and spitting it out onto the exam paper, and moving on. Understanding all of the concepts takes a lot of time. The professors (especially in physiology and neuroscience) have really stepped it up with exam questions as well, and overall, the exams are much more challenging. A lot of people are struggling, and we have lost quite a few classmates over the last couple of months.

The other big difference I have found this semester is that we have a TON of group projects and presentations. Last month, I had three presentations to do, as well as four group assignments, on top of our regular studying. When you are used to studying from 530 at night when you are finished with classes until midnight or so, and now you have to sacrifice 5 or 6 hours a week for group projects, it feels a little overwhelming. I totally understand the importance of these things though. Doctors need to have exceptional time management skills, need to be able to collaborate well with others, and need to be able to present information comfortably to large groups of people, and that’s what they are trying to have us do easily.

The social life and beach time have definitely declined from last semester as well. It’s really a crunch for time, all of the time. We have made time for a couple of beach trips. Usually right after we take a set of exams, we head to the beach immediately after to relax for a few hours. I try to take Friday nights off to relax with my friends when it isn’t too close to exams as well. The weekend after Block 1 exams, a whole bunch of us went to St Martin for a night to celebrate Birthdays of a bunch of people in our class which was a lot of fun.

St. Martin

The SGA Welcome BBQ

Post Block Beach Afternoon

 I am still working with the SGA, and my huge project since I took on the role of Historian in September was to get an SGA run school website going, and it is finally launched (although not totally complete). It is hard to put a ton of time into it because school has to come first but I have been plugging at it a little bit at a time. The link for the website is: www.sjsmsga.org if anybody would like to check it out! There are lots of pictures of the school campus on there, and pictures from various student events that we have held as well. I know a lot of people have no idea what the campus looks like or what to expect so I think I got a pretty accurate representation on there.

Despite being so busy, I have been missing the hospital SO MUCH lately. I guess this is good in a way, because I know that it is where I really belong. I will be sitting in class and so many things we are learning about will remind me of a patient that I have had or something that happened on a shift I was working, and I just miss the excitement and the interactions and how I always felt when I was there. Nursing was one of the biggest parts of my life for over 6 years and I am missing being there. I really can’t wait for clinical rotations to start. That should take care of that I suppose. You have to walk before you run.

The next couple of months here are going to be really nice for me! I have my Mom and Mike, my aunt and uncle, and my grandparents coming to visit in a couple of weeks(they are staying in St Martin) so I am going to be able to spend some time with them. I also have friends from Barrie that are staying in St Martin at the beginning of April who are going to come to Anguilla for a tour as well. It will be so nice to have some people from home here!

Anyways, I know it’s been awhile between posts, but there haven’t been too many exciting things happen and it has been incredibly busy!

XOXO

MD2: 1 Me: 0

So, this probably isn’t the best time to be writing a post, but I’m going to go ahead, be real, and do it anyway. Most of the time I try to write cheerfully and with as much positivity as possible. But when I think about it, I guess it’s important for everyone to know, it’s not all rainbows and lollipops around here. My goal with this blog is to let people know what we go through as medical students, let people know what to look forward to, and to give me something to reflect upon in the future. So capturing the tough moments is as important as the happy ones. Prepare for some verbal diarrhea:

In this moment, today feels like one of the most difficult and disappointing days of my life. It was the first day of block one exams in MD2. They were tough. MD2 has been vigorous so far. Especially physiology. For the past several weeks, school has consumed my life (not that it hasn’t since I started in September). The material has been difficult, and the pace has been insane. From the moment I have opened my eyes in the morning, the focus has been class material. When I go to bed at night, I fall asleep either listening to lectures, watching youtube videos about whatever concepts we are learning about in class, or watching extra video lectures (usually at 1.5X speed so that I can get them in faster, even though it makes the lecturer sound like a chipmunk). I have barely spoken with my friends and family from home, other than the odd text message here and there or a 5 minute Skype call on the odd occasion. This disconnection has been hard for me because I need these close relationships to keep me going and to remind me why what I am doing is so important. When I was home at Christmas, there was so much going on with everyone. I sit back and realize, I don’t even know where everything stands, and that really bothers me. I have faith that everything is being taken care of and that everyone is doing OK, but I still feel the disconnection and that really hurts. I feel selfish because everything I have is being put into what I am doing here.

When you are in this kind of program, you miss out on so much in life. You talk to best friends and find out they are going away with their boyfriend for a week (“oh, you have a boyfriend?!”). Your sister is getting ready to get married and you have no part in it. Close friends and family members are facing huge health obstacles and you can not be around to help, physically, emotionally, or otherwise. Your cousin’s children are growing up before your eyes, and you only see this through Facebook photos. You go weeks without talking to the people who are closest to you sometimes. I am the type of person who has always been the first one there in a time of crisis. To provide an ear, support, and guidance. I can’t do this now, and it is so hard.

Anyways, back to school, and back to this day. Despite having had to disconnect from everything that is important to me and despite countless hours of studying, exams today did not go well. The physiology exam was very first thing this morning. I left the exam feeling horrible. Immediately after the exam was finished, a bunch of us headed to the library to cram for the neuroscience exam which was happening a couple of hours later. About an hour after the exam was finished, someone noticed that the marks were already posted. I logged in (which was a mistake) and found out that I failed the exam. I failed by only a couple of points, but I have never failed an exam in my life, and my heart started pounding…I felt like I was going to be sick. The library was filled with my classmates. Everyone was checking marks, everyone who checked, failed. You could feel the disappointment in the room. I have never put so much work into something to receive such poor results. I immediately regretted even looking as I tried to maintain focus on neuroscience, knowing I hadn’t studied enough for that course because of all of the time I had spent on this exam that I hadn’t passed anyhow. This had to be the most discouraging this I had ever felt. There is a difference between knowing that you didn’t put enough time or effort into something and doing poorly, but to put everything that you have into something, and still not do well STINKS. I didn’t care that everyone else seemed to do poorly as well. I wouldn’t care if the class average was 10%. My standards are higher than that. I feel at a loss. Aside from NEVER sleeping, I don’t know what else I can do differently. I can only hope that in this process I learned how to better study for the course. I know that there’s no way I will let this defeat me and I will do whatever it takes to win. I guess that means stepping it up one notch higher. To top that off, I didn’t feel like the neuroscience exam went as well as I would have wanted because I had put so much energy into the physiology exam. What a vicious cycle.

Another tough part about it all is, you get home after it all…feeling so terrible, and now you have to buckle down and get right back into the books because you get to do it all over again on Monday when you write the other half of your exams. You know you have to…because there is so much material to go through and you have to do well in your other courses, but you really just want to curl up in bed and sleep the afternoon away. Or go to the beach. Or spend the night on the phone with your family. But, back to the books I go….

I apologize again for the negative post, but I am sure any other student out there can relate to the fact that this is the way we feel sometimes. I wanted to write this post right as I was feeling the way I am in this moment. This journey is one of many ups and downs. The stress and the fight is real, and you’ve gotta fight till the end. I will say though, that not one part of me regrets my decision, and not one part of me wants to give up.